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Stumpage Reports
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Friday, February 27, 2004 :::
In Fact, a Mere Human Trunk ...
Extraordinary Deformity. -- The third number of the Baltimore Medical and Surgical Journal contains an engraving which represents a singular deformity in a young woman, now twenty years of age, living in Asheville, N.C. She was born completely destitute of both arms and legs, the situation of which is merely indicated by small round projections, thus being, in fact, a mere human trunk, surmounted by a head. She possesses however, a remarkable power of locomotion, and can transport herself over the floor with ease, by submitting her body to a kind of rotary motion alternately from right to left, and contrary. By confining the handle of a broom between her chin and shoulder, she can sweep the floor with considerable dexterity. She can also sit erect, lean back, or rock herself in a chair as well as any other person, and when any thing is given her, she makes a sign for it to be placed on her left shoulder. If it be any solid article of food, she eats it from this situation. She is of a full and plump habit, healthy, and possesses a remarkably lively disposition.
The above statement is true in every particular, as we can well attest, having seen her several times, and conversed with her.
--- Fayetteville Observer, October 14, 1834. Reprinted from the Rutherfordton Spectator.
::: posted by tom at 8:17 AM
Wednesday, February 25, 2004 :::
Mold Mountain
I've been having a lot of fun at work the last day and a half. At the request of the National Archives my boss's boss decided to do a last ditch effort to find some information on W.P. Inman of Cold Mountain fame. Both the book and the movie are based very, very loosely on a real guy. Since he deserted, we have no pension records for him. My boss wanted me to look some other places so I've got to spend a lot of time reading Civil War letters from other guys in his regiment to see if he was mentioned. I did not have any luck, but got to read some cool stuff. Particularly eloquent / funny / sad / gory were some letters from a guy named W.W. England of the 25th Regiment. Here are some quotes from his letters back to his parents:
"The girls are marrying so fast that I have quit writing to them for fear of writing to some mans wife."
"Fannings lungs are slightly cut on the left side I could hear wind coming out of the bullet hole. Lyle Wils is struck in the side or side of the abdomen with a peice of shell or grape knocking a chunk out but he says he dont think that his intestines are hurt and he thinks he will over it if they nurse him well and keep the flies off."
"I only weigh one hundred and fifteen pounds."
"This country (West Virginia) puts me in the mind of home (Transylvania County, NC) the most of any place I have been the old blue ridge shows. The first time I have seen mountains in a year."
"I have written to you twice without receiving any answer I thought I would try it the third time and see if you were all dead."
::: posted by tom at 3:44 PM
Tuesday, February 24, 2004 :::
Losing it Concerning the Lost Cause
Gee whiz, where to start? I found so much wacky and disgusting stuff at work Monday I don't know where to start. How about the United Daughters of the Confederacy's Catechism? It is up to you to decide if it is wacky or disgusting, but this thing is real and they still use it:
QUESTION: What causes led to the war between the States?
ANSWER: The disregard on the part of the States of the North, for the rights of the Southern or slave-holding States.
QUESTION: What were these rights?
ANSWER: The right to regulate their own affairs and to hold slaves as property.
QUESTION: How were the slaves treated?
ANSWER: With great kindness and care in nearly all cases, a cruel master being rare, and lost the respect of his neighbors if he treated his slaves badly.
QUESTION: What was the feeling of the slaves toward their masters?
ANSWER: They were faithful and devoted and were always ready and willing to serve them.
QUESTION: How did they behave during the war?
ANSWER: They nobly protected and cared for the wives of the soldiers in the field. They were always true and loyal.
Yeah, right. I guess all those runaway slave ads were fake. Oh, I forgot, they must have been kidnapped by Yankee abolitionists. And those chains, manacles, whips, and branding irons were all for decoration. The above should be the final word on the Lost Cause Apologists who are still around and writing books, but knowing me, it won't be.
::: posted by tom at 9:44 AM
Monday, February 23, 2004 :::
Where Have You Been?
I've still been getting hits, so anyone who has been looking at this has noticed I haven't been updating very often. In addition to my usual moribund creativity, the main reason is that I've been spending time with a real, live girl.
I could call her by her name, but thats not the way things seem to work here. I could call her "New Girl," but that would imply an "Old Girl." Its been so long between girls, "New Girl" just doesn't sound right. Plus, I could not testify in a court of law that the last girl was a girl.
So that could leave the nickname "Girl," but that makes me sound like a Tarzan-like male who objectifies women.
Besides, who wants to share intimate moments like the two of us cuddled up under a comforter on the couch, sharing leftover lemon meringue pie straight out of the aluminum pan and washing it down with swigs of Sprite from a shared half-gallon bottle.
Certainly not me, I'd never share such special and intimate moments on the whole, wide internet ...
::: posted by tom at 10:11 AM
Wednesday, February 18, 2004 :::
GRITS
One of my favorite songs, ever since I was a little kid, has been Ghost Riders in the Sky, penned by Stan Jones. For the past couple years I have been enjoying versions of it by Johnny Cash and Dick Dale.
I've often toyed with the idea of collecting as many different versions of it as I could. The All Music Guide lists 158 versions of the song, from Eddy Arnold to Johnny Western.
Tuesday night I was digging around some newsgroups looking for bad '70s music and stumbled across a compilation of different artists doing "Ghost Riders in the Sky" (hereinafter referred to as "GRITS"). I am now the happy owner of GRITS as performed by The Blues Brothers, Duane Eddy, and Captain Tractor (?!?) just to name a few. The Dean Martin version sucks, and naturally The Ventures' version is one of the best, with Johnny Cash's rendition being the undisputed champion. I haven't had a chance to listen to the version by Sleepy LaBeef, so I can't comment on that.
Now I just have to find a copy of Spotnicks playing and singing GRITS and I can die a happy man. What the hell, it would also be fun to see what Newell Oler or The Slapping Suspenders or Ned Sublette are able to do with it.
So, the next one of you lucky enough to be trapped ride in my car, will get to hear GRITS over, and over, and over ....
The Spotnicks: A Brief Appreciation, Or: God I Love the Internet
I have never heard of The Spotnicks until tonight. As of right now, I've never heard them. I linked to the above page and barely glanced at it, a bunch of goofy looking guys on a web page in a foreign language. Then I looked at the web page again and saw the name Jimmy Nicol on the drumskin and even recognized his face. His big moment in the sun (besides drumming for The Spotnicks) was sitting in for Ringo Starr when the bejeweled Beatle was laid low by a bout of tonsilitis. I was intrigued enough to check them out on All Music. I was hooked on the first sentence of their bio: "If remembered at all today, it is probably thanks to their silly astronaut costumes..."
It goes on to say:
"the Spotnicks found reliable audiences in Japan and Germany, as well as a cult and nostalgia following all over the world. The Spotnicks have sold over 20 million albums, making them among the most successful Swedish groups ever, surpassed perhaps only by ABBA and Roxette. By the late '90s, they had released 39 studio albums, recorded roughly 700 songs, and had more than a hundred members in the different constellations of the band."
I just think its bizarre, these guys seem to be huge (in Sweden anyways) and seem pretty prolific, and I've never, ever heard of them. My brother is pretty knowledgeable about surf-type music. The next I see him I'll ask about these guys and he'll probably say something along the lines of: "Oh yeah, they're great, I can't believe you've never heard of them, I got a boxed set you can borrow."
::: posted by tom at 10:02 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2004 :::
Road Trip!
Monday two friends and I made a lightning trip to Charlotte. I had promised to help someone out with something and two of my friends, Peter and Jack, came along for the ride. I don't know if our conversation reached the Mensa-like levels Michael and James sometimes reach, but we had fun and my ribs hurt from laughing by time we rolled into the Queen City. We took care of my obligation and even got see Ann.
Against Ann's almost-always sage advice, we took NC 49 and 64 home instead of I-85. Someone else was driving my car and he got popped just outside of Ramseur doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. While he was in the cop car he heard on the radio about a big wreck on I-85. Maybe we would have died in that one if we'd taken that route.
Quote of the Day:
The big farm boy with his goofy haircut, baggy corduroy pants, and placid gaze was chewing on something -- not gum -- and his expression was almost retarded. Dale knew how misleading that dumb hick appearance was -- all the boys sensed it -- because Duane McBride was so smart that the others could only guess at his thought patterns. He was so smart he didn't even have to show how smart he was in school, preferring to let the teachers writhe in frustration at the oversized boy's perfectly correct but terse answers, or scratch their heads at verbal responses tinged with an irony which bordered on impertinence. Duane didn't care about school. He cared about things the other boys didn't understand.
--- Dan Simmons, Summer of Night, 1991.
::: posted by tom at 12:36 PM
Sunday, February 15, 2004 :::
News and Notes
I'm learning how to play cribbage and its a pretty cool game.
It was slow enough at work for awhile on Saturday I had enough time to leaf through several U.D.C. scrapbooks from 1917 where I found some wonderful Confederate monument photographs, some children's drawings of Civil War scenes, and a photo of Robert E. Lee with a hand-written caption describing him as a "Christ-like man." I love my job. I also found out we have the log book for the Confederate commerce raider the C.S.S. Shenandoa. I wanna look at that thing.
Quote of the Day:
By 7:00 the panoply of colors on the horizon has shrunk to a bitter orange line on the western horizon, as if furnace fires had been banked beyond the edge of the world. In the east the stars are already out. They gleam steadily, like fierce diamonds. There is no mercy in them at this time of year, no comfort for lovers. They gleam in beautiful indifference.
For the small children, bedtime has come. Time for the babies to be packed into their beds and cribs by parents who smile at their cries to be let up a little longer, to leave the light on. The indulgently open closet doors to show there is nothing in there.
And all around them, the bestiality of the night rises on tenebrous wings. The vampire's time has come.
--- Stephen King, Salem's Lot, 1975.
::: posted by tom at 7:27 PM
Saturday, February 14, 2004 :::
What A Guy
Its just after 5 AM. I just got back from giving a friend a ride to the train station so he can go to Pennsylvania and meet his internet girlfriend.
I've heard the true definition of humility is to do something nice for someone and not tell anyone. If I ever did that, I'd have to tell someone.
The Big Question: I have to be at work at 8:30 AM. Do I try and stay up or go lay back down?
::: posted by tom at 5:02 AM
Tuesday, February 10, 2004 :::
Deep in the Bowels
It looked liked an abandoned building, and we couldn't find the light switch once we got in there. The institution I work for has several satellite storage facilities because we have so much stuff we are responsible for. There are three of these annexes, and there is a definite heirarchy in terms of their location, importance of the records there, and the physical characteristics of the buildings. The place I got to go to yesterday was definitely on the bottom tier. It is a decrepit looking warehouse, sandwiched between the railroad tracks and the pet food factory. It was pitch black in there, with metal shelves stretching up 20+ feet, the shelves crammed with ledger books in different stages of disrepair and cardboard boxes stuffed with paper.
We had to look for a 19th-century deed book. A patron had purchased a roll of microfilm and several pages were missing, we had to see if the pages were in the book. Once we found it, I pulled it off the shelf and untied the dusty piece of string holding it together. As I flipped through the pages while my colleague held a flashlight I thought, "This is probably what people think of when they think of an archivist." I'm sure I had images like this in the back of my mind while I was in graduate school. We found what the guy needed, climbed in our 150,000+ miles state van, and schlepped it back to main facility for copying.
It may sound like the things out there aren't being taken care of, but they are in good hands, and should be OK for hundreds of years. Of course, we have top men working on the records out there. Who? Top ... men.
::: posted by tom at 8:56 AM
Smartin is back!
::: posted by tom at 12:00 AM
Monday, February 09, 2004 :::
How Uncreative Can You Get?
I've been dead in the water for blog material. I guess last week's post and the memory of all those Blackfoot concerts concerts fried my remaining brain cells.
Saturday I went to a new (to me) antique mall in Sanford, North Carolina. I've often sung the praises of cruising around small town North Carolina, looking for antiques, confederate statues, and local restaurants and Saturday was no exception. I even got off the US 1 bypass hoping to go through Pittsboro with its courthouse built in the middle of a traffic circle and sporting a nice tribute to the boys in gray. But we were babbling so much I missed some turn-off and ended up on 15-501 and we made it to Sanford somehow.
I picked up 25 pieces of Salem North Star dinnerware for only $25. I already had a few pieces I bought for $3 - $5 each and couldn't resist the bargain. I also picked up a World War II era Esso World Transportation map. I wish I could have bought two, both sides of it look so cool I don't know which one to get framed.
Thats it, no punch line or moral, just a fine, fine day and some good antique deals.
With Friends Like These ...
The Friends of the Institution I Work For are catering a lunch for the staff today. I spent half the afternoon Friday, and wasted almost 2 hours this morning helping to set up for the damn thing. I would rather them use the money to buy some light bulbs so we don't have to work in the dark, and I'll bring my own damn lunch and get some work done instead of schlepping chairs all over this godforsaken building.
SUICIDE OF A GLUTTON -- English papers mention the suicide of a Mr. Roylstone, who, 10 years ago, was worth one hundred and fifty thousand pounds sterling, which he has since squandered in the gratification of his appetite. He had agents in China, Mexico, Canada and other places to supply him with the rarest delicacies; and a single dish sometimes cost him fifty pounds. -- At length, on the 15th of last April nothing was left him but a solitary guinea, a shirt and a battered hat. He bought a woodcock with the guinea, which he had served up in the highest style of the culinary art. He gave himself two hours for an easy digestion, and then jumped into the Thames from the Westminister bridge.
--- North Carolina Star, Raleigh, N.C., May 30, 1855.
::: posted by tom at 9:22 AM
Wednesday, February 04, 2004 :::
My Ticket Stub Collection
Sometime in the early 1980's I started putting all my rock and roll concert ticket stubs in a scrapbook. I found the scrapbook the other day and here is a list of the stubs in it. This is not a comprehensive list of all the concerts I've been to, just the ones I saved the ticket stubs from. Names of warm-up bands are not on the ticket stubs, but pulled up from the depths of my brain.
April 15, 1979. George Carlin at the Royal Oak Music Theater, Royal Oak, Michigan.
November 19, 1979. Ritchie Blackmore and Rainbow at the Royal Oak Music Theater. Can you believe they did not do a single Deep Purple song?
December 7, 1979. The Who at The Pontiac Silverdome, Pontiac, Michigan. We smoked way too much pot, if that is possible. On this tour bands like the Clash, Santana, and Jethro Tull were warming up for them. We got to see Blackfoot.
February 17, 1980. Rush at Cobo Arena, Detroit, Michigan. Blackfoot was the warm up band.
March 20, 1980. Iggy Pop at the Motor City Roller Rock, Warren, Michigan.
April 23, 1980. The Joe Perry Project at the Royal Oak Music Theater. Why did I go to this concert?
May 24, 1980. Nazareth at Cobo Arena. Whitesnake was the opening band.
June 3, 1980. Greg Kihn at the Royal Oak Music Theater. This was before he got popular with all that "Jeopardy" shit. There were a couple other big names in town that night like Elton John and the Kinks. There were only about 30 people at this show, and he played like his life depended on it. Definitely in my top 10 rock and roll shows. One of those magic nights.
July 19, 1980. The Rockets at the Pine Knob Music Theatre, Clarkston, Michigan. They were a glorified bar band. The Kingbees warmed up.
August 20, 1980. ZZ Top at Pine Knob. The Outlaws were the warm up band. The same girl went with me to this as went to the Nazareth concert. I don't know which was worse: her taste in music or her taste in boys.
August 27, 1980. The Grateful Dead at the Pine Knob Music Theatre. The place was only about 1/3 full. This was before they got popular again. I don't remember much of the music but it was a fun crowd.
October 22, 1980. Jethro Tull at Cobo Arena.
March 13, 1981. Rush at Cobo. The first time I did acid.
March 15, 1981. Rush again two nights later. I liked them a lot.
June 3, 1981. Santana at Pine Knob. They put on a great 3 hour show. I went to see them the summer before and never made it out of the parking lot.
June 5, 1981. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at Cobo Arena.
July 10, 1981. Alice Cooper at Cobo Arena, Detroit, Michigan. Again, Blackfoot was the warm up band. Tequila and cocaine were on the menu that night.
August 13, 1981. Iggy Pop at the Royal Oak Music Theater, Royal Oak, Michigan.
August 6, 1982. King Crimson at the Michigan Theater, Ann Arbor, Michigan. One of the best concerts I ever have seen or ever will see.
August 15, 1982. The Talking Heads at the Pine Knob Music Theatre, Clarkston, Michigan. Another good one, a mere week after the King Crimson concert.
November 7, 1982. Rush at the Joe Louis Arena. Goddamn Blackfoot again. (I shit you not.)
November 8, 1982. Rush. Fucking Blackfoot.
February 12, 1983. Missing Persons at the Royal Oak Music Theater, Royal Oak, Michigan. They were actually pretty good. Mostly because the band featured a couple of Zappa alums.
May 15, 1983. Roxy Music at Cobo Arena.
July 30, 1983. David Bowie at the Joe Louis Arena, Detroit, Michigan.
August 11, 1983. The Talking Heads at the Pine Knob Music Theatre. Another one of the best concerts ever. This was the tour they made the Stop Making Sense movie from.
November 25, 1983. The Animals at the Royal Oak Music Theater. I think this actually featured most of the original lineup. I moved to North Carolina a week or two later.
Other shows I don't have stubs for: Three Emmylou Harris shows: the Arts Center in Carrboro, Spirit Square in Charlotte, and the State Fair in Raleigh. At least three Richard Thompson shows, Raleigh and Charlotte. Three Bob Dylan concerts: Chapel Hill, Durham, and in Los Angeles with Tom Petty, 1984. Ted Nugent, 1979, Cobo, first time I saw Blackfoot. Summer 1981, 1982, and 1983: Foreigner, Kansas, REO Speedwagon, Humble Pie, Blue Oyster Cult, The J. Geils Band, all at Pine Knob. At least three other Rush concerts. One more Iggy concert. Springsteen on the River tour. 1980 or 1981: Jeff Beck and Heart within a week of each other. Fuck! Where's my Jeff Beck ticket stub? Damn it. Beach Boys at Pine Knob '77 or '78. Bob Seger at Cobo Arena, 1981 I think. You could not grow up in Detroit without seeing Bob Seger live at least once. Elvis Costello and Nick Lowe, at Duke, ca.1987. Neil Young at some shed in Charlotte, circa 1997. Forgettable stadium shows: Paul McCartney, Pink Floyd. Oh my god, I just remembered, a Billy Joel concert. My then-future-ex-wife wanted to see him. Probably more, but you know, parts of 1978 to 1994 are just are just a big fucking blur ...
::: posted by tom at 9:28 AM
Tuesday, February 03, 2004 :::
Dead Confederate Letter of the Day
Winchester Va.
Nov 17th 1864
Dr. G.W. Blacknall,
Dear Sir:
It is my painful duty to announce to you the death of your Brother Col Chas Blacknall. At one time I had high hopes of his recovery but his health gave way under the severe and excruciating pain of his wound and he sank under his sufferings, he received every attention that could possibly have been given him by the family of the house where he was taken, and I was with him 5 or 6 hours each day for ten days before his death.
Very truly yrs
John W. Lawson Surg
He recieved a decent burial and I have in my possession his watch money & personal effects which shall be delivered as soon as I reach the Confederacy. In his death his family have lost an affectionate kinsman and the Confederacy a noble & gallant soldier. The family have my sincere sympathy and commiseration in this great bereavement.
::: posted by tom at 2:41 PM
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