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Stumpage Reports
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004 :::
A Trip to Montana, Part 1, OR: My Crotch, Dirty Underwear, and Jerks w/Cell Phones
I got back from my trip last night, and had a great time for all of you who have been on the edge of your seats. The scenery at Glacier National Park was truly mind-blowing. I'd never been out west before so that type of scenery was totally new to me. I'll post some pics later this week and hopefully recall a few interesting anecdotes to relate.
For now, a couple tales of sensitive parts of my body, dirty underwear, and assholes at the airport.
My Crotch: This was the first time I had flown since 9/11 and I thought I was ready for the heightened security. Going throughout the checkpoint at RDU Airport, I set off the buzzer, probably a combination of my zipper, belt buckle, and the eyelets in my Chuck Taylors. They pulled me aside, and as they wanded me, the emphasis seemed to be on my crotch. (Insert vision of Harry Shearer in This is Spinal Tap with his foil-encased zucchini.) The TSA guy then put a pair of latex gloves and said "I'm going to pat down a sensitive area of your body." I knew, in spite of all the flaws of the U.S. Government, they weren't going to do a body cavity search where everyone could see me. He proceeded to pat down THAT sensitive area of a guy's body. I passed the search with flying colors, and hopefully he was impressed.
Dirty Underwear: As I unpacked this morning, I found in one of my checked bags a "Notification of Baggage Inspection," declaring that my bag had been opened and searched. The best part of that was, this contained nothing but dirty underwear, dirty socks, and dirty t-shirts. Hopefully, the guy still had on his latex gloves.
Jerks w/Cell Phones: (redundant, I know) On our trips together, Betsy and I usually notice someone who is the supreme jerk, and he is remembered and recalled as we relive our travel adventures. In most cases, this is some guy with gold chains at a restaurant, trying to impress his gal by lording it over the wait staff, being picky about his food, and trying to sound knowledgeable about everything under the sun. This time we did not find the supreme asshole until we were in the Spokane Airport and ready to leave.
First of all, this was a 50+ year-old-man, totally dumpy looking, wearing khakis, and an obnoxious pink plaid shirt, and a ratty little book bag. At least if somebody is on a cell phone and wearing a $900 suit, you can delude yourself that maybe they are making big deals. He had the headset on, which to me adds a level of obnoxiousness. He stalked around the waiting area for an hour, talking loudly into his head set the whole time. His topics included:
1. Complaining about Northwest Airlines.
2. Complaining about his previous cell phone plan.
3. Complaining about his current cell phone plan.
4. Discussing what his next cell phone plan was going to be. (In anticipation of complaining about it, I'm sure)
5. Complaining that his wife complained he was always on the cell phone when they were in the car together.
Listening to this bozo made clear three pertinent ideas:
A. That Betsy and I had been together for 7 days straight, and rather than finding entertainment with each other, we had to listen to this idiot.
B. If he didn't have a cell phone, 80% of his conversation would never have happened.
C. It must be really tough to be smarter than 99% of the population, as he fancied himself.
::: posted by tom at 12:10 PM
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